Thursday, 27 January 2011

The dreadful dreams of a Health Minister

From an unmarked van parked across the street, our Dream Detection Team - the DreaDiT Unit - has managed to capture what was going through the mind of Health Minister Andrew Lansley the night before he introduced his self-styled 'reform' of the National Health Service.

And from the resulting incomprehensible stream of noughts and ones (mostly noughts, it must be said), our cutting-edge Dream Visualisation program - iDriVel for short - has created the scientifically accurate illustration you see above.

Our dream interpreters - the DrIps squad - then attempted to explain some of the iconography of the dream. Theirs is not an enviable task, for gazing too long on such an unpleasant image could seriously damage your health. Amongst other key symbols, they highlight the relish with which the 'surgeon' rips the guts out of the patient, and the vulture and the fat-cats hovering in attendance, awaiting the pickings.

Our in-house Dream Analyst - Dr Anal to his colleagues - gives the following summary of the verbal content of the dream:

"Premier Milton Keynes is one of two consortia there in its application to be a pathfinder consortium."

"Over the next two years we will enable them to develop these existing primary care trust schemes with voluntary and independent sector support."

"GPs in Redbridge have been pioneering GP-led consortia, shifting care into primary care …"

"improved core delivery of the efficiency challenge … reinforcing the interface."

What it all means, we have no idea, and we doubt whether Lansley does, either.

And if you're still with us, our patented dream location software - DroLocS - pinpoints the capture as taking place not in the bedroom, as Dr Anal had suggested, but "somewhere in the bathroom"; what he was doing in there, and why the poor chap wasn't safely tucked up in bed at that hour of the night, we shudder to think.

It is not known what real-life events prompted this disturbing dream. One conjecture is that the victim may have recently visited the Mauritshuis Museum in The Hague, and inadvertently stumbled across this painting by Rembrandt.

If this is so, his mind appears to have totally lost its grip on the original intention of the artist, for the doctor in the painting is clearly sticking his scissors into the arm of a corpse, and demonstrating to his eager listeners the latest 17th Century techniques for saving lives. Whereas in Lansley's dream - well, judge for yourself.

Remember - "We're all in this together"!

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