The dreadful dreams of a Health Minister

From an unmarked van parked across the street, our Dream Detection Team - the DreaDiT Unit - has managed to capture what was going through the mind of Health Minister Andrew Lansley the night before he introduced his self-styled 'reform' of the National Health Service.

And from the resulting incomprehensible stream of noughts and ones (mostly noughts, it must be said), our cutting-edge Dream Visualisation program - iDriVel for short - has created the scientifically accurate illustration you see above.

Our dream interpreters - the DrIps squad - then attempted to explain some of the iconography of the dream. Theirs is not an enviable task, for gazing too long on such an unpleasant image could seriously damage your health. Amongst other key symbols, they highlight the relish with which the 'surgeon' rips the guts out of the patient, and the vulture and the fat-cats hovering in attendance, awaiting the pickings.

Our in-house Dream Analyst - Dr Anal to his colleagues - gives the following summary of the verbal content of the dream:

"Premier Milton Keynes is one of two consortia there in its application to be a pathfinder consortium."

"Over the next two years we will enable them to develop these existing primary care trust schemes with voluntary and independent sector support."

"GPs in Redbridge have been pioneering GP-led consortia, shifting care into primary care …"

"improved core delivery of the efficiency challenge … reinforcing the interface."

What it all means, we have no idea, and we doubt whether Lansley does, either.

And if you're still with us, our patented dream location software - DroLocS - pinpoints the capture as taking place not in the bedroom, as Dr Anal had suggested, but "somewhere in the bathroom"; what he was doing in there, and why the poor chap wasn't safely tucked up in bed at that hour of the night, we shudder to think.

It is not known what real-life events prompted this disturbing dream. One conjecture is that the victim may have recently visited the Mauritshuis Museum in The Hague, and inadvertently stumbled across this painting by Rembrandt.

If this is so, his mind appears to have totally lost its grip on the original intention of the artist, for the doctor in the painting is clearly sticking his scissors into the arm of a corpse, and demonstrating to his eager listeners the latest 17th Century techniques for saving lives. Whereas in Lansley's dream - well, judge for yourself.

Remember - "We're all in this together"!

Posh Boy job references discovered

smarmy - poisonous - slippery - evasive - condescending - patronising

One of our Oxfordshire operatives, 'Mrs Mopps' (not her real name), has managed to gain access - hoover in hand - to the Posh Boy study, where she has come across the following clippings. They are on irregularly cut scraps of paper, and our forensic team deduces that they had been scissored - in some haste - from character references obtained from former colleagues when he was applying for his current post. They appear to have been brushed under the carpet.

"I wouldn't trust him with my daughter's pocket money."

"louche, slippery, unhelpful and evasive"
"never gave a straight answer when dissemblance was a plausible alternative"

"put up so much verbal tracker you started to lose your own guidance system."

Jeff Randall, financial journalist, Sky TV

"aggressive, sharp-tongued, often condescending and patronising"

"frequently obstructive and unhelpful"

Chris Blackhurst, City editor of the London Evening Standard

"obstructive"

Patrick Hosking, investment editor of The Times

"a poisonous, slippery individual"

"a smarmy bully"

"far from the smoothie he pretends to be now"

Ian King, business editor, The Sun

"a bombastic bully"

Conservative Central Office colleague

"philosophically naive and vacuous"

Simon Heffer, Daily Telegraph columnist

"an out-and-out opportunist"

"I don't believe he believes anything"

Robin Harris, Conservative Research Department

"at his interview for Oxford, he was caught bluffing about how much philosophy he had read"

"a cautious man, someone who would think twice before throwing a bottle at a policeman"

The many faces of Mr. Cameron (Francis Elliott and James Hanning)

Mrs Mopps' full report has been transcribed by Brian Reade: David Cameron: What the experts say, for which many thanks.

Posh Boy Philosophy revealed

22 Jan 2011

Warning: Some of the information in this picture may have been obtained by listening in on private telephone conversations. Or maybe not. Our investigative reporter didn't tell us and we wouldn't say even if he did. In any case he was acting on his own.

We appreciate that some of the language used in the document above may not be familiar to everyone, so we have added a few explanatory notes which we hope you will find helpful:

People

Karl Marx

Josef Stalin

Why Cameron resembles a fish in a condom

Philosophy

"From each according to their ability, to each according to their need"

Posh Boy Politics

Open any newspaper*, any day, any page, and read about:

• hitting the disabled

• hitting the poor

• hitting the young: Sure Start - Educational Maintenance Allowance - tuition fees

• hitting the old

• hitting the unemployed

• wrecking the health service

• dismantling the education system: school curriculum - academies - so-called "free" schools - university funding

• starving the arts

• cheating the voluntary sector

• destroying democracy: constituency boundaries - voting reform

• cosying up to Murdoch*

Hardly any of these measures were in their election manifesto nor in the coalition agreement, few are based on reliable evidence, many haven't even been costed.

Posh Boy Etonomics

- letting the banks off the hook

- fomenting unemployment

- privatising anything and everything

- telling porkies about the economy

Posh Boy Outlook on Life

And all handled with seemingly effortless, patronising effrontery: "I'm incredibly optimistic"

We could go on but it's nearly bedtime. More helpful links to follow.

Note:

* if your newspaper isn't telling you about all this, ask yourself why

New Lottery - how it works

19 Jan 2011

Our moles have been burrowing away, and can now reveal how the Demolition Government's much-vaunted new nation-wide Lottery Scheme works. Mikileaks locked researcher Steve Bell away for a couple of minutes with the scheme's source code - scribbled on a torn-off scrap of 'Number 11' headed notepaper, and rescued from the bin beside the photocopier - and he has come up with this graphic representation of the process. He says it wasn't that hard to crack, as the first line of code reads:

{Top Secret: GO says 2000 Mancunians down the pan, and pronto!} *see Note 1

It therefore came as no surprise to us to see amongst this week's lucky winners:

Manchester!

Manchester council attacks government as 2,000 jobs axed

However, do not despair if Lady Luck hasn't called on you this week. For wherever you live, and whatever your circumstances (with some notable exceptions - *see Note 2), they've got your number, and it could be drawn any day now. It could be your turn next!

Remember - We're all in this together!

*Note 1: There are conflicting rumours as to the identity of 'GO'; some analysts suggest that he may well be the mysterious character seen scurrying across the steps of 10 Downing Street in this videoclip.

*Note 2: Some experts claim to have detected certain regional and social biases in the coding of the scheme, which seems to be stacking the odds strongly in favour of 'Northern towns' and 'poorest areas' at the moment:

Northern towns 'targeted' with cuts

Councils say poorest areas will be worst hit by cuts

And if you wondered what this picture was doing at the top of our original article, see:

Police may stage street protests over cuts and job losses

Police force's colour-coded redundancy letters give staff the blues

So when the police take to the streets with their face-masks and home-made placards - who will do the kettling?

NB: Steve says his illustration is 'after LS Lowry'; of course it is - Lowry died over 20 years ago. He painted scenes, full of sympathy, of the ordinary lives of ordinary people in his home town of Salford, including Going to Work and Coming home from the mill. Would he qualify for an arts grant today?

According to our maps, Salford is quite near to Manchester, and so probably qualifies both as a 'Northern town' and as a 'poorer area'. Some folk have all the luck.

Why is it easier?

 

18 Jan 2011

"Why is it easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of Heaven?"

Bob Diamond, Chairman of Barclays Bank, is richer than most, but at the second time of asking he is "still stuck on that one".

Oh dear, Mr Diamond. I'm afraid it's Purgatory for you, then. Or better still, Hell . . .

Many thanks to Mikileaks investigator John Mann MP for putting the question, oh so subtly.

Remember - "We're all in this together"

Further reading:

Robert Peston's comments (BBC Business Editor); also contains the full 2h30min of Diamond's grilling by the Treasury Select Committee - just dip in to a minute or two, doesn't much matter where . . .

Michael White in The Guardian

What Jesus thought (Matthew 19:24)

The Seven Deadly Sins: Greed

Dante's Vision of Purgatory

Hieronymus Bosch's Vision of Hell; from the Garden of Earthly Delights (in high resolution)

Rats in Downing Street

17 Jan 2011

Mikileaks reseacher David C sends us this exclusive report: 

"I thought all the rats were inside No 10. Is the coalition sinking?" 

Our investigators have analysed the videoclip, and conclude that the rat in question is clearly legging it from No.11 to No.10. But who can it be? We have heard that if you play the video at double speed you can clearly make out the popular verse:

Are you Osborne

Are you Osborne

Are you Osborne in disguise?

Although some say that if you play it at half speed, it sounds remarkably like 'Cleggie'.

Mikileaks motto of the week:

If there's a rat in there, we'll smell it

New nationwide lottery

17 Dec 2010

Mikileaks researchers have uncovered Demolition Government plans to launch a new, nationwide lottery early in the New Year. Millions working in the public sector have been entered in the draw, and those selected - who could number over 100,000 - will find out when a letter drops through their door by 1 January or shortly after. This lottery is unusual, in that all winners will receive the same prize: their very own redundancy notice, signed with 'best wishes' by D Cameron, N Clegg, G Osborne and E Pickles.

Remember - "We're all in this together!"

We're all in this together

15 Dec 2010

Mikileaks can reveal that many of the members of the Demolition Cabinet are quite rich! In fact, most of them are millionaires. I bet that surprised you as much as it surprised us. It's OK though, our society and institutions are safe in their hands.

We don't usually reveal our sources, for obvious reasons, but this report's from a reputable daily newspaper.

And remember - we're all in this together.

"Sorry, we sold out”

15 Dec 2010

From a Mikileaks informant:

I phoned the Lib Dem Head Office this morning and asked for a copy of their manifesto. They said, “Sorry, we sold out”, I said “I know, but can I have a manifesto?”

Police: "Protesters have failed to stick to the agreed route."
Member of public: "To be fair, so have the Lib Dems."

He's a Liar Liar

14 Dec 2010

Mikileaks hears that the Posh Boys have been caught telling Porky Pies! The evidence collected by Captain Ska and his friends is incontrovertible, and very catchy. It is available from iTunes and other online music stores, for Xmas No 1 (proceeds to: Crisis, Disability Alliance, FalseEconomy and Women's Health Matters).

Remember - "We're all in this together"!

Posh Boys wreck the joint

Mikileaks Exclusive
13 Dec 2010

Insider sources have confirmed the identities of several of the students responsible for the current spate of violent attacks on our institutions. Amongst the gang leaders are Master D Cameron, Master G Osborne and Master B Johnson. It is believed all three harbour ambitions to "be something" in politics.

Cameron expressed the group's strategy succinctly to our undercover agent: "Things got a bit out of hand and we'd had a few drinks. We smashed the place up and Boris set fire to the toilets".

Mikileaks calls on members of the public to remain vigilant. This gang is dangerous and are clearly intent on wrecking anything they can get their hands on.